Speaking Love

I recently read a book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Very thought-provoking book. I was familiar with his ideas from other sources, but found the book worth reading all the way through. Today I decided to summarize the main points of the book that I jotted down as I read it.

Mr Chapman comments that after the initial "in-love experience" couples must "pursue 'real love' with (their) spouse." "That kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth." He then suggests that loving someone requires us to "speak their primary love language." He then identifies five different love languages as described below:

Words of Affirmation
compliments, appreciation, encouragement, forgiveness, requests and not demands
to spouse, about spouse
verbal, written

Quality Time
"togetherness with focused attention"
conversation: uninterrupted, intimate, sympathetic listening, self-revelation, eye contact
activities: create memories, participate in each others interests
1-at least one spouse wants to do it
2-the other spouse is willing to do it
3-you do it to show love

Receiving Gifts
"Gifts are visual symbols of love"
symbol of the thought "I am thinking of you" expressed in action of securing and giving gift
"a gift is something you can hold in your hand" or
gift of self--being there, your presence (your body) becomes gift

Acts of Service
helping, doing things for, "crossing things off the list"
like Jesus washing disciples' feet
"Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love."

Physical Touch
emotional love, "loving touch", hugs, kisses, sex, massage, physical affection
frequent, spontaneous or planned, regular, intimate, familiar
"reach out and touch"

Just like spoken language, we all have a love language--a language that speaks love to us. We must identify our partner's love language and learn how to speak it for them to truly receive and understand the depth of our love for them. Though we may appreciate expressions of love in all five languages, most people have one primary love language. A few are bilingual.

A few parting thoughts from Chapman's book:

"What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage."

"Love is a choice and cannot be coerced."

"People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need."

"Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself."

To love you must "invest time, energy and effort."

"True love always liberates."

Good read. Worth the time.

I've got Seth figured out and will continue to speak his love language so he can understand how much I love him. To love him is a choice I made a long time ago and continue to make every day! He's definitely worth my time, energy and effort!

Breaking Bread

What is it about eating together that erases uneasiness and creates bonds of friendship?

Today we invited a couple of long-term guests from California in for Sunday dinner. They have stayed with us five years running for almost the whole month of October each year. Don owns some property north of town and his father, Ron, comes along. They both love the outdoors and love to hunt. Some years they have brought along other family members, but this year it's just the two of them.

Ron is a gardener and fisherman at home. He brought us vegetables from his garden and fish he caught in the ocean and bottled himself. He is not the hiker he once was and spends lots of time glassing the hillside and positioning himself for a good shot close to the truck.

Don is more of a mountaineer, younger and more agile. He works hard for his trophies and has also helped others to bag and pack out their animals. Don is a plumber by trade and after dinner today even helped Seth repair a leak in one of our water heaters. (Now he can write off part of his trip expenses, because it was business!?!)

Anyway, as we sat down to eat, there was some awkwardness between us all--two strangers, Sarah and Jon and their boys, Seth and me and Mariah. A quick blessing was offered and then the food was passed around. All "weirdness" evaporated as food disappeared and cups were emptied and refilled. No one felt inclined to leave the table too quickly(except the little ones), and we carried on a lively conversation while Mariah's blondie brownies baked. Then the table was cleared and dessert served and still we sat comfortably sharing the afternoon.

Guests regularly come and go here, often soon forgotten . But those who share a meal or two will
be remembered and welcomed back as friends. It's something magic about breaking bread together, sharing a meal and a Sunday afternoon.

Be Kind.

A while back I was waiting in a doctor's office and noticed a sign posted at the front desk. It said, "Be kind. You cannot not know what battles are raging around you." I have thought back to that message many times. It is very good advice.

I spent a few days this week with my mother who is recovering from a knee replacement surgery. I thoroughly enjoyed myself in the quiet calm of her home, attending to small things that were beyond her current ability. (Surgery does take quite a toll, doesn't it.) Most of her dizziness and nausea had passed by the time I came and she was settled back in her own home. So, it was mostly a matter of being there "in case". (My sister Jen took the first long shift, dealing with the doctors and hospital and other "hard" stuff.)

Each day a physical therapist came by to teach and help Mom perform exercises that will assist her in stretching and bending and regaining strength in her knee. I was impressed with his manner. He was totally there for Mom, giving her his full attention, listening to her comments and frustrations, yet clear in his directions and persistent in his efforts. He was unfailingly gentle and helpful. He was cheerful and confident in her ability to recover completely. He was kind.

Everyone, like my mother, has battles raging. Some may have injuries or disease. Some may deal with anger or grief. Some may be afraid or lonely. Some are burdened with pain or physical limitations or addictions. Some fight fear or feelings of insecurity or depression. Battles can be short or very, very long. Battles can be big, intense and overwhelming or small, irritating and unsettling. Often the outcome of our battle is unsure, despite our best efforts. Sometimes we can sway the end result with persistence and endurance, patience and prayer. Usually, as we conquer one foe, another moves into play and a new battle begins. This is how we grow and learn and progress.

So I am reminded to be kind. You can never be faulted for that. Recognize that, though you may never know what battle is raging in another's life, kindness can soothe and help and console. A simple kind deed, however small, may sway the course of someone's personal battle, bringing some hope and peace. It costs nothing and the return in so great.

Be kind.

It's Conference Time!

I love general conference.

Twice a year The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints holds five sessions of what we call general conference. The two hour meetings are held on Saturday and Sunday at the beginning of April and October. While the actual conference takes place in the new conference center in Salt Lake City, Utah, members of the church from around the world participate through live satellite, internet, television and radio broadcasts. The meetings are also recorded and made available later on DVD and printed in the Church magazine, "The Ensign". The president of the church and other prophets, apostles and general leadership of the church speak and the Tabernacle Choir sings and each meeting is begun and ended with prayer. It is an opportunity for a world wide membership to see and hear their leaders, feel the Spirit and unite in a common meeting of worship.

Because we live in an area where all five sessions are available on televison (except the Prieshood session that is available in our meetinghouse via satellite), I like to be part of all the sessions on both Saturday and Sunday. I juggle my work schedule on Saturday to allow me to do something quiet and indoors during the sessions. Mariah often knits or crochets. Seth comes home off the mountain or from the job to be part of it. Those special Sunday mornings of conference are calm and relaxed with no early meetings or assignments before or after the sessions. Sometimes the kids come, with their kids, to watch with us. We eat and visit between sessions.

Through conferences I have learned to recognize the faces of our leaders. I hear their voices and get a feeling for their personalities. I am often touched by their humility, and yet cannot doubt the authority with which they speak. The Holy Ghost testifies to me of the importance of their words.

The main theme of this conference seemed to be love: God's love for us, our love for Him, the need to love each other. We were reminded of the need to ask for God's direction and follow the promptings of the Spirit. The importance of daily scripture study and prayer and family unity were emphasized. We were reminded that God's laws must be obeyed and His promises are sure. He is aware of each of us and ready to help as we seek him.

Because of conference, I feel a determination to be a better person, to try harder, to live better, to share what I have and serve those around me more often. I feel bouyed up and encouraged. I feel peace, even in our uncertain world. I feel an urgency to keep moving forward toward a closer relationship with Jesus Christ and an eventual eternity with my family that I love so much. I am filled with light and truth and hope.

I love general conference. It is another evidence that there is a God in Heaven and He loves me.